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A
few years before my wife and I met, she made porn with her
boyfriend at the time. He intended to start a pay-per-view
Web site but never launched it. I was a bit upset when she
told me, but then I remembered that I enjoy porn, and the
idea of seeing the hottest woman I’ve ever met—and am now
married to—doing porn might be really enjoyable, even though
I wouldn’t want her sleeping with anyone else now.
I realize that to get these tapes I’d have to contact the
ex and that might be a bad idea. What do you think?
—Torn
Over Porn
Um
. . . what does she think? The wife? Have you asked
her? Does she want you to see the porn she made with her ex?
Does she want to have any contact—even if you handle the negotiations—with
her ex?
If she’s cool with it, and thinks the ex will be cool with
it, by all means ask for the tapes. But hold on to my e-mail
address, TOP, just in case her ex is bigger than you, appears
to be better in bed, clearly provided your girlfriend with
more shattering orgasms, etc., and you have a careful-what-you-wish-for/no-one-could’ve-predicted
meltdown and need someone to talk you off the ledge.
I see women prostitutes who are over 30 and independent.
Twice in the last five years, the woman I was seeing turned
out to be a post-op transsexual. They were both nice people,
and I wish them well. But I prefer nature’s own vaginas. Some
TSs disclose; some don’t. Some wind up getting outed on bulletin
boards and trashed. I am sure it limits their income. What
are the rules?
—Prefers
Really Original Sex
There
are no rules in an illegal and unregulated marketplace, PROS,
although I’m not sure how “truth in packaging” provisions
could be enforced if prostitution were legal and regulated.
So caveat emptor, boys, and try to mix a little empathy in
with your emptoring. Many TS sex workers are engaged in what
social workers call “survival prostitution”—they’re marginalized,
they don’t have familial or societal support, and they’re
selling sex to keep roofs over their heads—so they’re not
duping you for shits and giggles.
And there are worse things than accidentally sticking your
dick in a woman who was born into a man’s body, PROS. Did
you catch Charlize Theron’s Academy Award–winning performance
in Monster?
I have been in a nonmonogamous marriage for several
years. We’ve had a lot of fun. My only gripe is that she is
allowed to have solo adventures and I am not. When I protest,
she says that she would rather stop having solo experiences
than allow me to as well. This is little comfort, as I enjoy
her having her own experiences. My wife is a lovely woman,
and I don’t want to risk any damage to my marriage or family
life (we have two wonderful kids). But it is clear to me now
that I require a little safe, NSA exploration on my own every
once in a while. What’s a boy to do?
—Equal
Rights In Coitus
Hearing
about the wife’s solo adventures gives you a boner—that is
what you meant by “I enjoy her having her own experiences,”
right?—while the prospect of your solo adventures has the
opposite effect on the wife, i.e., the thought doesn’t give
her a girl boner. So while you rightly perceive her solo adventuring
as unfair, ERIC, there’s something in those solo adventures
for you, i.e., lots of boy boners, while there’s nothing in
your proposed solo adventures for her, i.e., no girl boners.
Now life isn’t fair, as I hope your mama warned you, and in
an open relationship, life’s unfairness can manifest itself
in one partner agreeing to less freedom of action in order
to accommodate the other’s insecurities, irrationalities,
insanities, etc. If the unfairness of it all is unacceptable
to you, ERIC, accept your wife’s offer to terminate her solo
adventures. Hopefully she’ll miss them as much as you will,
and in short order she’ll agree to your having solo adventures
in order to start having her own again.
I’m a longtime fan of your column and agree with you
99 percent of the time, and I’m usually annoyed when you run
counterarguments from angry readers. Alas, I think I’m one
of those folks today. Your advice to Horny Homo two weeks
ago was kind of messed up. While I agree that some careful
wording is needed when suggesting a threesome for the first
time, a closeted bi guy pretending to go into a MMF situation
solely for his girlfriend’s pleasure is a recipe for disaster.
As a bisexual woman myself, I find it pathetic that this guy
can’t suck it up and tell his girlfriend that he’s interested
in having sex with men. As you’ve said to other people in
similar situations, he’s better off telling his girlfriend
the truth and seeing if she’s into the idea of threesomes
or polyamory or what have you. Maybe she’s completely GGG
for the whole thing—or maybe she’d rather not be used by two
liars looking to scratch an itch.
—Flippant
Answer Isn’t Legit
They
can’t all be gems, FAIL, and that response sucked balls. Consider
it withdrawn. And for the record: Yes to honesty, yes to the
dude telling his girlfriend he’s bi, and yes to angry readers
calling me on my fails, FAIL. My response was intended to
be tongue-in-cheek, but it was head-in-ass. My apologies.
So the Oscar nominations just came out. The same question
plagues me every year—both at nomination time and when the
awards roll around. How many people do you think have been
fucked with an Oscar? I mean, it’s shaped just right and so
associated with power, fantasy, etc. that it’s just gotta
happen, and I’m betting pretty often. Have you heard any news
along these lines? Do you think I’m off base?
—Hoping
Every Lovely Little Oscar Gets Oiled Really Good Evoking Orgasms
Up Starbutts
First,
a programming note: When Savage Love readers noticed that
I was turning sign-offs into acronyms to save space, they
began crafting sign-offs that resulted in amusing and/or revealing
acronyms, e.g., PROS, ERIC, FAIL. But long sign-offs, even
if they make for terrific acronyms, don’t save space. So limit
your creative sign-off to no more than five or six words,
dear readers, if you want to see it in print. (I’m making
an exception for HELLOGORGEOUS for reasons that will be immediately
apparent to anyone who’s ever had a cock in his pants and
his mouth simultaneously.)
OK, HELLOGORGEOUS, your letter arrived on the day I had the
distinct pleasure/honor of hanging out with a couple of people
who just so happen to have four—four!—Oscars on a shelf
in their offices. Spooky! They laughed when I showed them
your letter. Not because they had fucked themselves with their
Oscars, HELLOGORGEOUS, but because the first thing they observed
about their Oscars was that they were, indeed, “shaped just
right.” (I thought the shoulders were a bit wide, personally,
but the base was flared, which is what you want with an insertion
toy.)
I didn’t press them on whether they had confirmed their suspicions—we’d
only just met—but rest assured, HELLOGORGEOUS, if it can
be stuffed in someone’s ass and/or twat, however inadvisable
said stuffing might be, someone somewhere has shoved the thing—Coke
bottle, Oscar statuette, Scott Brown action figure—into an
ass and/or twat.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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