|
SAVAGE
LOVE
BY
DAN SAVAGE
I’m
a mostly gay male with a boyfriend who is also mostly gay.
We are into BDSM—we are both tops and sometimes play with
other sub men. I say we are “mostly” gay because we do like
to fuck/top submissive women once in a while. We haven’t done
this a lot, and never together because we don’t have the same
taste in women—until recently. One of our new neighbors, a
straight female, is very shy, but she’s opened up to us about
her interest in BDSM. We took her to a play party, and she
was OK watching others play, but any time anyone expressed
an interest in her, she clammed up and withdrew. She stayed
at our side the entire time.
We are interested in propositioning her. Our dilemma is in
how to approach someone so gun-shy. We want to seduce her
into the experience and not make her uncomfortable, but we
can’t agree as to how to go about it. Another issue is that
we think the reason she has been so open with us is because
she assumes we are both 100 percent gay.
—Two
Guys And A Girl Toy
She
meets two guys who live together, have presumably noisy BDSM
sex with each other and other men, and identify themselves
as gay. I’m sure you can appreciate why, under the circumstances,
your neighbor might assume you two were gay, right? And that
assumption convinced her it was safe to open up to you guys
about her sexual interests—interests that are clearly scaring
the shit out of her for the moment—because she further assumed,
entirely reasonably, that you guys didn’t wanna stick your
dicks in her.
The sooner you come clean, the likelier you are to get into
her pants, mouth, ass, twat, etc. Do not attempt to
be seductive. Putting the moves on her now could transform
a minor and perhaps unwitting violation of her trust into
a relationship-ending violation. Instead, just be, um, straight
with her: “We should’ve said something sooner, [her name here],
but we’re both actually bi, and we thought you should know
that. And we also wanted you to know that we’re both attracted
to you and, hey, if you want to explore any of this stuff
that you’re curious about with us, we’d be up for that. If
not, we’re happy to keep being your kinky, gay-identified,
completely platonic buddies.”
I read with interest the letter from the guy who hacked
his ex-girlfriend’s e-mail and discovered that she had been
cheating on him. I am in a similar situation, if a little
more messed-up. I am a single, 30-something female who has
been having a long-term affair with a married man. We have
one rule: We tell one another if and when we fool around with
other people. About a year ago, I discovered another affair
he was involved in while he was out of the country, which
he failed to disclose to me. I discovered it because he left
his e-mail unattended. He was not apologetic, and I ended
up being the one who begged for forgiveness for invading his
privacy. He did, however, promise to end his relationship
with the woman overseas. I recently discovered that he has
struck up a fresh correspondence with this same woman. I gained
this knowledge by invading his privacy again—this time by
outright hacking his e-mail—but he also betrayed me, and he
needs to be held accountable.
You are probably wondering why I am not just cutting this
guy out of my life. We have amazing sex and enjoy the same
kinks. It is difficult to find someone trustworthy to engage
in these activities with. But how can I trust anything he
says anymore? I really want to call him on this. He broke
our rules. Do you think I am out of line in confronting him?
—Mistress
Is Pissed
According
to the “Mistress, whining about being cheated on” listing
in the Association of American Advice Columnists’ Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Staggeringly Self-Serving Bullshit,
I’m supposed to slap the shit out of you, MIP. The DSM
instructs me to respond to letters like yours with something
like this: “Your lover is cheating on his wife with you,
you dumb piece of shit, and you’re shocked to learn that he’s
cheating on you, too?” That strikes me as a little harsh.
So I’ll go with this instead: You can’t expect a guy to take
your rules more seriously than he takes his vows.
As for confronting him: The last time you confronted him about
another other-woman, MIP, you wound up begging for his forgiveness.
So let’s skip the confrontation and accept reality: Unless
you’re willing to walk away from the amazing sex, unless you’re
willing to dump the motherfucker, he’s going to go on cheating
on you and lying to you about it, rules or no rules. He won’t
disclose when he’s messing around with other other-women,
MIP, because it’s not just the sex that turns him on.
Sneaking around, getting away with it, deceiving you and his
wife and his other other-women—all of that gives him a feeling
of power and control, and those feelings are as, or more,
important to him than the orgasms. Accept it or get out.
I have a question and don’t know who else to ask: I
need support under my scrotum in order to ejaculate. I am
52 years old, and this condition has gotten worse as I have
gotten older. When I am having intercourse, I need a position
that supports or raises my scrotum, and when I masturbate,
I need to put something under it. Is this OK? Is there a solution
to make coming during intercourse easier?
—This
Old Scrote
Before
I touch on your sack, TOS, I’d like to briefly—very briefly—touch
on George Rekers’s.
Rekers is a towering figure in the religious right. He’s the
cofounder of the Family Research Council; a member of the
National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality,
a group that claims it can cure homosexuality; and the go-to
guy for “expert” testimony about how gay people threaten and
endanger children. And last week, Rekers got busted coming
back from a 10-day European vacation with a 20-year-old male
escort he found on Rentboy.com. Rekers told two reporters
from the Miami New Times that he “can’t lift luggage,”
so what other choice did he have but to hire a 20-year-old
with an eight-inch cock?
To mark the downfall of yet another crazy and hypocritical
closet case, I propose that “whatever floats your boat” be
immediately and permanently retired in favor of “whatever
lifts your luggage.” This will be George “Rentboy” Rekers’s
legacy, his lexi-colonic gift to the English language. Help
spread the meme.
Back to you, TOS: First, talk about this with a doc—get your
sack examined and your prostate checked. If there’s nothing
medically wrong, rest assured there’s nothing wrong. Some
guys have large, loose sacks and sensitive balls, and the
slap, slap, slap of intercourse or masturbation can be uncomfortable,
and lifting your luggage spares you the slap, slap, slap.
Alternately, TOS, let’s not forget that your dick, balls,
sack, and taint compose one big erogenous zone. Lifting your
luggage may provide you with a little bit of extra ball/sack/taint
stimulation, added stimulation that helps put you over the
top, and naturally you rely on that zap more at 52 than you
did at 32. So instead of viewing your need for a ball lift
as a problem that needs solving, why not view ball support
as the solution to a problem. Or to put it another
way . . .
Whatever lifts your luggage, TOS, whatever lifts your luggage.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
|
Site
Search 
