husband of eight years confessed to wanting to watch me with
another man. I asked if he meant it. He said yes. I asked
if he wanted me to set it up. He said yes. I found a guy,
and he agreed to a full STD screening—at my husband’s suggestion
and our expense—so that we wouldn’t have to use condoms.
I was worried about how my husband would feel. But he loved
every minute of it—he loved it a little too much.
My husband had sex with me after our “guest” left. I still
had our guest’s semen inside me. Is my husband gay? Is that
what cuckolding is all about? He didn’t touch the other guy,
but what the fuck?
Expressing Concern Over Newly Disclosed Sexuality
from being an indication of homosexuality, your husband’s
turn-on goes back to the roots of male heterosexual experience,”
says Christopher Ryan, coauthor of Sex at Dawn: The
Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. “Human beings
evolved in very intimate groups where sex often involved multiple
Before Ryan walks us through what’s so straight about your
husband dipping his dick in another man’s spunk, SECONDS,
let me get this off my chest: Sex at Dawn is the single
most important book about human sexuality since Alfred Kinsey
unleashed Sexual Behavior in the Human Male on the
American public in 1948. Want to understand why men
married to supermodels cheat? Why so many marriages are sexless?
Why paternity tests often reveal that the “father” isn’t?
Read Sex at Dawn.
Now back to Ryan:
about it,” says Ryan. “Why would women have evolved the capacity
for slow-building multiple orgasms while males evolved the
orgasmic response of minutemen accompanied by a sudden disappearance
of all interest in sex?”
Because—as Ryan and his coauthor Cacilda Jethá lay out in
Sex at Dawn—for countless generations, our male and
female ancestors, like our closest primate relatives (fuck-mad
bonobos), engaged in multipartner sex. Females mated with
multiple males, while males—so easily stimulated visually
to this day—watched and waited their turn.
all of us get off on watching other people having sex,” says
Ryan. “Even if our minds deny it, our bodies respond in many
ways, ranging from increased genital blood flow (in both sexes)
to stronger male ejaculations.”
By inviting another male into your bedroom, SECONDS, your
husband—consciously or subconsciously—is inducing what’s known
as “sperm competition.” Watching you have sex with another
male made him more excited to have sex with you, not
with the other male, and treated him to a more intense orgasm
in you, not in the other male.
your husband’s experience was very heterosexual,” says Ryan.
I’ll go further: Your husband’s experience was the original
I am a 24-year-old female. I’ve been in a relationship
with a man for six years, on and off. I love him and think
I could spend my life with him. But I have a hard time being
faithful. I have cheated on him with other men and with women.
He and I are not together currently, but we maintain a long-distance
sexual relationship. We say that we are going to be together
someday, but he has no trust in me. I would love to be content,
but I can’t seem to go very long before I get distracted.
Please give me some insight!
Wanna Be A Heartbreaker
the end of Sex at Dawn,” says Ryan, “there’s a brief
section called ‘Everybody Out of the Closet.’ We argue that
it’s not just gay people who have to go through the sort of
brutally honest self-exploration involved in coming out. We
all need to go through this process—and the sooner the better.”
And here’s what you need to come out about, DWBAH: You’re
never going to be happy in a monogamous relationship.
time to stop bullshitting yourself,” says Ryan. “You’re very
young, so, with all due respect, a certain amount of bullshit
is to be expected. But you sound ready to move beyond this.
Before getting into any sort of committed relationship, you
owe it to yourself and to the other person to be honest about
who you are, and for now at least, you’re clearly not sexually
monogamous. The best way to not be a heartbreaker is to be
honest about your own feelings.
if you’ll pardon just a few words of old-guy wisdom while
Dan shares his amazing platform,” Ryan continues, “many people
your age (including yours truly, way back when disco was king)
misunderstand the odds of finding love in life. Few young
people really appreciate that by being open about who you
really are, you end up wasting much less time on relationships
that are doomed from the start. In the long run, it’s much
more efficient to fess up about who you are and what you’re
really into from the get-go.”
Who are you, DWBAH? You’re a slut. (I mean that in
the sex-positive sense! I’m a slut, too!). And what are you
really into? Variety. And don’t feel bad: You didn’t
fail monogamy, DWBAH, monogamy failed you—as it has
failed so many others (Clinton, Edwards, Spitzer, Vitter,
Ensign, et al.), and will continue to, because monogamy is
unrealistic and—this is not a word I toss around lightly—unnatural.
half of the people you’re interested in will walk away when
you fess up,” says Ryan. “Let them walk! Those who don’t walk
away are a much better investment of your time and energy—both
of which are more limited than you can possibly realize at
been with my partner for 10 years. I have lost all interest
in sex, while my partner still has a healthy libido. We’ve
agreed on a weekly “sex night.” I dread it. We could call
it quits, but we have a child and we love each other. I don’t
want to break up our family, so I put up with “sex night.”
It sounds depressing, I know, but the alternative seems worse.
She Was Horny
a dirty little secret: Lots of wonderful marriages aren’t
particularly sexual or exclusive,” says Ryan, hinting at another
alternative. “In Sex at Dawn, we show that sexual novelty
was an important part of our evolution as a species and why
the appetite is still so strong in us today. But, as you and
your partner demonstrate, we don’t all respond the same way
to the absence of novelty.
don’t say if your loss of libido pertains only to sex with
your partner or to anyone at all,” Ryan continues, “but it’s
a good idea to eliminate possible medical and psychological
causes before concluding that it’s a purely sexual issue.
Assuming it’s just about libido, I’d encourage you to talk
about all this openly and see if you can’t find a middle ground
that preserves your family and the love you share but incorporates
a more comfortable sexual arrangement that doesn’t leave your
partner frustrated and you dreading ‘sex night.’”
In other words, WSWH, give your partner permission to fuck
around. Ask yourself what’s more important: staying married
or staying monogamous?
you can find a way to take the pressure off both of you, you
might find a deeper intimacy with each other and a return
of your libido,” says Ryan.
I usually end the column with a plug for my podcast. Not this
week: Anyone who’s ever struggled with monogamy—and any honest
person who ever attempted it admits to struggling—needs to
read Sex at Dawn. For more about the book, and how order it,
go to www.sexatdawn.com.