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SAVAGE
LOVE
BY
DAN SAVAGE
My
boyfriend and I are straight college students, and he’s always
wanting to try new things. Recently, he asked to put a finger
in my ass while we were having sex. Someone did that to me
before, but it felt uncomfortable and it kinda hurt. I told
my boyfriend that he could do it once and then I would decide
whether to let it continue. So we tried it. It still felt
uncomfortable and still kinda hurt. But I never came so hard
in my life!
Now the question: If it’s uncomfortable, but it made me feel
amazing and come really hard, what should I do? Continue with
it? Or tell him to find some other way of getting me to that
point again?
—Presently
Obsessing Over Totally Extreme Reaction
You
could ask the boyfriend to stick a finger in one of your armpits—or
in an eye, a nostril, your toaster—but unless your pit/eye/nostril/toaster
is wired the way your butt appears to be, POOTER, no amount
of pit/eye/nostril/toaster fingering is gonna jack up your
orgasms quite the way that finger in your butt did.
So here’s what you’re gonna do, POOTER: You’re gonna breathe
deep, you’re gonna take things slow, you’re gonna use more
lube, and you’re gonna spend more time warming up the outside
of your butt before anything goes in. (Tell the boyfriend
he can finger your butt for 10 minutes after he rims it for
20.) Do it right, POOTER, and pretty soon you won’t be able
to look at those 10 fingers of his without thinking about
the kick-ass, anal-enhanced orgasms you’ll be having when
you can only see nine.
I
am a 30-year-old woman with a strange problem. I recently
started lifting weights, and every time I use the arm machines,
I have an orgasm. It is not obvious to anyone else (I think),
and my sex life is great outside of the gym. I don’t know
if I should stop using the machines, because it’s rude and
kind of weird to have that happening, but it just seems to
be a physical reaction to using those muscles. What should
I do?
—Fitness
Freaking
Another
20 reps.
I’m
a bi, 18 year old female. I can’t cum during sex, I never
have. Boys or girls it doesnt matter. I can get off by myself
but with other people its just uncomfterable. Vagional penatration
feels good but head or finger fucking is Not fun. I thought
that it was just the people I was sleeping with. You know,
age and a small town bla bla bla. I’m off to collage now and
in a much biger city and nothing is better.
—I
Can’t Cum
Off
to collage, are we?
Here’s something you may not know about vaginal penetration—besides
how to spell “vaginal” and “penetration”—because it’s not
something that’s typically covered in small-town, high-school
sex-ed classes: You can touch yourself during vaginal intercourse.
Whatever you’re doing that’s getting you off when you’re alone,
ICC, do that thing—touch yourself that way—whenever a sex
partner is penistrating you vaginotionally.
And when you’re enjoying sex without penistration—when someone
is eating your pussy or fingering your pussy—give that
person direction, i.e., put your hand over his hand, place
a hand on the back of her head, and show them just how to
touch you and/or eat you to create the sensations that are
intense or focused enough to get you off.
I
am a 24-year-old straight girl. My boyfriend is 31. We have
great sex—until the last two minutes. He can’t get off without
jackhammering me, so I grab something and hold on for dear
life until he comes. I’m happy to do it to satisfy him, but
it also means he never gets off when I’m on top, and we can’t
have slow, sappy sex every now and then, and it can be painful
sometimes. I’ve brought it up a couple of times, but he doesn’t
seem to be able to finish any other way. Has it just been
too long with a bad habit, or is there a way to bring his
dick back?
—Holding
On Tight
There
may not be anything wrong with your boyfriend’s dick, HOT.
Just as some women require intense, focused stimulation in
order to get off (read: vibrators cranked up high), some guys
gotta jackhammer to get off. If your boyfriend is one of those
guys, HOT, then there’s no bad habit to break. It’s just something
you’ll have to accommodate.
But he needs to accommodate your desire for some slow, sappy
sex now and then. And here’s how he can do that: The boyfriend
fucks you, long and hard, nice and slow, you get on top if
you like, and after you’ve gotten off once or twice or three
times . . . he pulls out . . . and doesn’t come, at least
not inside you. If he’s aching to come, or you want to see
him come, then let him finish himself off by jackhammering
away at his own clenched fist.
I
am a woman in a relationship with a woman. There’s someone
else. I haven’t cheated. I’m not a cheater. But I cannot get
them out of my head. They are directly in my life. And yes,
by “they” I mean “him.” What the F, Dan! I dream about him,
think about him. I try not to. I talk about my girlfriend
and how much I love her in front of him. But inside I know
the truth. It’s becoming hard to be in the same room with
him.
So my question: What would Dan do? What would Dan do if he
were mind-cheating constantly and experiencing intense feelings
of attraction to someone else?!?
—What
Would Dan Do?
Dan
would go to his boyfriend and say, “Hey, honey, it’s been
ages since we’ve had a three-way . . . ”
But that’s easy for Dan to say because Dan’s a man and so
is his boyfriend, and anyone Dan couldn’t get out of his head
would be a man, too. That makes any hypothetical mind- and/or
body-cheating on my part less threatening to my boyfriend
and less destabilizing to our relationship.
So you probably shouldn’t do what I would do, WWDD. Instead,
you should masturbate furiously, avoid being alone with this
man whenever possible, and don’t take the wife to see The
Kids Are All Right.
Some
women like porn and some women don’t mind it. For us women
who are otherwise GGG but feel like vomiting at the thought
of porn, telling us to use porn—or eat cupcakes—will neither
relieve the pain caused by our partners use of porn nor meet
our emotional and sexual needs if we decide to opt out of
relationships with men entirely. I’ve tried my whole life
to feel OK about porn. I don’t. I feel betrayed just the same
as if the cheating were “real.”
—Never
OKing Porn Ever
Porn
isn’t cheating, NOPE—but let’s not argue about that.
Instead, let me just say this: You shouldn’t give up on men,
NOPE, because I occasionally get letters from men who think
a fag sex columnist is interested in hearing them repeat what
the insecure, controlling women in their lives have trained
them to say (“There are men out there who don’t use porn,
and I am one of them!”). If you hang in there long enough,
PORN, you’ll meet either a guy who honestly doesn’t watch
porn or a guy who says all the right things (“There are men
out there who don’t use porn, and I am one of them!”) and
is conscientious about clearing his browser history.
mail@savagelove.net
Find a new Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
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