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SAVAGE
LOVE
BY
DAN SAVAGE
I
lost my virginity last night.
I’m a straight male in my early 30s, so it was about time.
It wasn’t awkward, and we had a good time. However, I didn’t
climax during sex, which is a result of years of death-grip
masturbation. (Thanks for the warning, Dan, I’m sorry I didn’t
heed it.) She took it personally but seemed satisfied when
I said it was only nerves.
I am left this morning with more confusion and trepidation
about my relationship with my new girlfriend than I had going
in. I suppose this is normal, but I don’t see last night as
some victory or a “bonding moment,” and I am afraid that is
a bad sign. I also find myself being extra critical of my
partner’s performance, which, as a virgin, I am not in a good
position to judge. She has never been a particularly good
kisser and her blowjob technique was less than spectacular.
Although it was a pleasant experience, I feel like it lacked
passion or a spark, which is probably just normal for a first
time, but I am concerned.
I feel like an asshole for even having these thoughts. Is
there something wrong with me and/or am I an asshole?
—One
Potential Asshole
P.S.
I have attached some photos in hopes that you will respond.
There could be something wrong with you, OPA, and you could
be an asshole. I can’t rule either possibility out after quickly
reading one e-mail and thoroughly examining three nude photographs.
It’s possible that your girlfriend is a bad kisser/blower.
Just because you’re a virgin—or were a virgin—doesn’t mean
you’re going to automatically click with the first woman who
volunteered to put your dick in her mouth. It’s possible that,
however much you like this girl, you’re just not sexually
and/or chemically compatible. But sex is a skill that takes
time and practice to acquire. It may take a little time and
some experimentation for you to discover what works for you.
And if you give her some time, you may find that she works
for you.
If she didn’t know you were a virgin, OPA, tell her. And tell
her that it wasn’t nerves that prevented you from getting
off, but the unfamiliarity of the sensations you were experiencing
and, perhaps, a masturbatory style that desensitized your
dick. Tell her it might take you a little while to get there,
but with her help and patience—and mouth and pussy—you’re
sure you can get there. And then try to relax, experiment,
and enjoy.
And no more death grip—period. When you masturbate, use your
nondominant hand, a lighter grip, and perhaps a Fleshlight.
I’m
herpes-free, but I found out today that my roommate has contracted
it. He has a sore but won’t see a doctor about it because
he says he’s embarrassed. We share the same bathroom, so I
knew I would have to be diligent about that. But now I am
freaking out: Not long after he shared this information, my
7-month-old puppy runs into his room and proceeds to cover
my roommate’s face in kisses. I’ve called the vet and my medical
provider, and while they both agree that my pup cannot contract
the STD, they cannot rule out the pup passing the infection
on to me. Please advise. I would like to know how to best
handle this situation.
—Scared
To Death
Wouldn’t
it be great if being paranoid about contracting herpes was
the only way to contract herpes?
Look, STD, lots of people self-diagnose themselves with herpes
when all they have is an innocuous little cut or sore near
their mouth or genitals. People who are too embarrassed/ridiculous
to go see their doctors are highly likely to arrive at a herpes
misdiagnosis. So calm the fuck down.
Even if your roommate does have herpes, STD, you’re not going
to get it from sharing a toilet—unless you and the roommate
have invented a novel new way of taking a dump. And you’re
not going to get it from your damn dog. For his own sake,
your roommate shouldn’t allow your dog to lick his open sores
(who does he think he is? Job?), herpes-related or not, and
if you’re really freaking out about your promiscuously affectionate
new dog, well, you can make up your mind to refrain from kissing
any animal that drinks out of toilets, licks its own ass,
and laps up vomit.
I
have a new girlfriend. She likes me to eat her cream pie after
we have sex. She does get off again and squirts most of the
time when I do it. No one has ever asked me to do this before
her. Is she crazy? Or am I for doing it?
—Not
A Cream Pie Lover Yet
Why
does someone have to be crazy? A cream pie isn’t my preferred
post-orgasm snack—I much prefer a Creamsicle—but if it turns
your girlfriend on and gets her off, and if doing this for
her doesn’t leave you curled up on the bathroom floor in the
fetal position, then you’re not crazy and neither is she.
She’s kinky, you’re GGG, and you’re both enjoying some kick-ass,
boundary-pushing sex. Enjoy.
I’m
a 28-year-old straight guy. I’m also five feet six and 124
pounds. I know, I know—I’m hardly microscopic. But I always
feel like I’m a lost kid when I’m at a bar or club, with people
my age or younger towering over me. So that, right away, is
a confidence killer when trying to meet women. But here’s
the real kicker: I like tall women. In fact, I prefer somewhat
butch women—Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry, Geena Davis in
A League of Their Own—and this leads to the ancillary problem
that many of the women I’m attracted to are lesbians and thus
are not interested in me. But even the tall, butchy straight/bi
girls tend to go for guys who are taller than them. Most women
I talk to about why they fall for tall guys have a common
theme: They are looking for someone who makes them feel secure.
That’s what I want! Is it so damn wrong to want a woman to
be protective of me? I want to be held by a strong pair of
lady arms! No, I’m not into super-muscle women, nor am I into
hardcore dom/sub stuff. Why is my vanilla kink such an obstacle?
What am I to do?
—Below
Their League
Most
women prefer taller men—not tall men, just men who are taller
than they are. It’s a sad, unavoidable fact, BTL, one you’ll
have to accept (just as I had to accept that most men prefer
women), and you’ll have to search longer and harder for the
lady/lady arms of your dreams. Not much else you can do about
it.
I’ve got some space to kill, so here are a few Savage Love
programming notes: My recently announced celebrity crush—Stefon
on SNL as portrayed by Bill Hader—is no longer operative.
My new celebrity crush is Branden Hayward, the actor who plays
the cute-but-dim young husband in those Rhapsody commercials.
Sigh.
Ever wanted to be a porn star for a weekend but not for the
rest of your life? Ever wanted to win large cash prizes? Go
to thestranger.com/hump to learn more about HUMP!, my annual
amateur porn festival that’s now in its sixth year. Hardcore,
softcore, erotica, animation, robots, zombies, virgins, cream
pies, lady arms—everyone and everything is welcome at HUMP!
The deadline for entry is Oct. 15 Go to the website for contest
details, release forms, and dates.
And finally: Khia’s new album? My goodness.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday
at thestranger.com/savage.
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