have been married for 16 years and have three children. My
marriage isn’t the best, nor is the sex. I have strayed many
times, and it’s always been with women—I love women and I
love having sex with women. However, for years I have had
a fantasy about being with a transsexual. I recently paid
to be with a T-girl escort. She was flipping gorgeous. She
had a dick, sure, but she was the hottest fucking girl I have
ever seen—absolutely gorgeous. She talked like a girl, looked
like a girl, smelled like a girl, had the body of a girl—she
was all girl, except for the unit. I have no interest in being
with a man. Does seeing this T-girl make me gay?
On The Wild Side
not gay, WOTWS, but you’re not exactly straight either.
There are other points along the gay/straight continuum, WOTWS,
and anyone resourceful enough to track down a flipping gorgeous
T-girl should be smart enough to figure out where he falls
along the gay/straight continuum. But let me end the suspense:
You’re a teensy, weensy bit bisexual, WOTWS, just another
mostly straight dude who’s into women, into cock, and into
women with cocks. But you’re not into dudes, not at all. Just
women. And cock.
I’m going to catch hell for this, but hey, I don’t have three
“Catcher” T-shirts for nothing: While you’ve got a touch of
the bi—just a bit, mostly around your tonsils—you’re not obligated
to identify as bi.
An awful lot of “rounding up” and “rounding down” goes on
when it comes to sexual identities. There are bi women out
there who round themselves up to lesbian because they’re with
women or primarily attracted to women or afraid of mean lesbians
who hate bi women. (Some of those mean lesbians are, predictably
enough, bi themselves.) Some bi guys in gay relationships
round themselves up to gay; a small number of gays and lesbians
round themselves down to bi in solidarity or something; and
lots of bi men and women in straight relationships round themselves
down to straight. (And there are gay men and lesbians—100
percent homos—who identify as straight. These closet cases
aren’t rounding up or down; they’re lying.)
Backing way the hell up: Sexual identity is a combo platter.
There’s who you wanna do, who you are doing, and who you tell
people you are. You can’t control who you wanna do—sexual
orientation is not a choice—but you get to choose who you
wind up doing and who you tell people you are. Don’t wanna
have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do. Don’t wanna
be a messy closet case ŕ la Haggard, Craig, and Rekers? Tell
the truth about who you’re doing.
It all seems so black and white, doesn’t it? But that’s because
we backed way the hell up. Pull in close and you’ll be able
to see the gray—grays like you, WOTWS, guys who are flamboyantly,
flamingly, screamingly gray.
It’s because I’m a big supporter of gray rights that I’m not
telling you that you’re obligated to identify as bi, WOTWS,
even if that is the black-and-white, backed-the-hell-up truth.
But “bi” means “attracted to men and women,” and you’re not
attracted to men at all. You’re into girls who talk like girls,
look like girls, smell like girls, etc., and some of the girls
you’re into happen to have dicks. And since trans women are
women—even those trans women who’ve decided to keep the genitals
they were born with—it’s closer to your truth, if not
the truth, paradoxically, to identify as straight.
husband of 10 years has decided to end our marriage due to
my occasional indulgences in alcohol and cigarettes. I do
not smoke and drink every day. It is occasional. I admit that
in the beginning of our courtship I did not tell him about
my indulgences. I hid them from him. After we were married,
I was careful not to smoke or drink when we were together.
My question is, should I allow my marriage to dissolve due
to our differences? I want my husband to love and accept me
for the person I am, and I do not want to be controlled.
who wants to be loved and accepted for the person she is,
WBC, shouldn’t mislead her gentleman callers.
That said, WBC, I assume your husband didn’t find out about
the booze and cigarettes yesterday. So the booze and cigarettes,
if those are the only reasons your husband gave for wanting
to end this marriage, may symbolize a larger pattern of deceit
that has long troubled your husband. Or it’s possible the
booze and cigarettes are a face-saving dodge: Perhaps your
husband is blaming the booze and cigarettes to avoid telling
you some harsher truth and thereby spare your feelings. Or
maybe there’s something about himself that he would rather
avoid disclosing. (Another woman? Another man? Another man
and another woman?) Or maybe he’s an asshole and he’s blaming
the booze and cigarettes in order to shift all the blame for
the failure of this marriage onto your shoulders.
We can sit here speculating until your lungs turn black and
dissolve inside your chest, WBC, and it’s not going to change
anything: Your husband doesn’t need your consent to obtain
Now, you don’t say whether your husband offered to stay if
you quit drinking and smoking—and if he didn’t, WBC, then
booze and smokes aren’t the issue—but you’re clearly unwilling
to give up your indulgences to save your marriage, as you
do not wish to be “controlled,” which means that your marriage
a straight guy. My former roommate, also a straight guy, calls
all his ex-girlfriends “fucking bitches.” He went on a date
with a neighbor. He told me that she was a “fucking bitch”
and that she drunk-dialed him several times at 3:00 a.m. She
told me, unprompted, that he drunk-dialed her several times
at 3:00 a.m. after she refused to have sex with him.
Do I have any obligation to warn women about him? My friends
and I were debating this hypothetically until two days ago,
when I saw him on a date with a woman I know. Do I tell her
what a douche this guy is, or do I let her discover it on
Would Dan Do?
this douche weren’t so transparent—if women didn’t see through
him instantly—Dan would feel obligated to warn his female
friends. But as this douche is transparent, WWDD, Dan wouldn’t
feel obligated to warn women away. Don’t get Dan wrong: Dan
would still warn anyone he knew who (1) has a pussy and (2)
isn’t a crazy bitch, because Dan’s a meddling douche. But
Dan wouldn’t feel obligated. So it’s your call, WWDD.
I have a duty to disclose to my wife that a guy licked my
Already Licked Last Summer
more to this question—a lot more—and I actually answered it
already. BALLS’s question was the Savage Love Letter of the
Day last Wednesday. Folks with the Savage Love app (SLAPP)
for iPhone get the letter of the day delivered directly to
their phones. To find out what happened to BALLS’s balls,
and what he told the wife, you’ll have to get SLAPPed.
CONFIDENTIAL TO CAROLINE AT EMU AND RYAN AT PSU: Thanks for
being such wonderful hosts and putting on such amazing events!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at thestranger.com/savage.