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Iím a big fat liar! Iím 24 years old and still a virgin. Only my high school friends know this. Iíve lied to all my college friends and everyone thereafter. Iím a decent-looking guy, just never got laid, not even a blow job, hell I have practically no sexual experience. I have some really good friends now and still make up everything when we talk about women. This is really starting to guilt me out because I try to be as honest as possible. Now a situation presents itself where the people who know Iím a virgin and those who donít are going to meet. As usual with guys getting together and drinking the topic of sex will come up. Iím afraid my current friends will find out that Iím a virgin and be outraged that Iíve been lying to them. Any thoughts on how to get myself out of this mess and keep my friends?

óVery Ignorant Regarding General Intercourse Negotiations

Wow, what a depressing letter. Twenty-four years old and still a virgin? Obviously your parents didnít send you to a Catholic grade school. Look, the truth about your sexual inexperience is going to come out sooner or lateróyou wonít be able to keep it a secret foreveróso I would advise you to take control of when and how by leveling with your college buddies before you get them together with your high school buddies. ďYou guys,Ē you should say, ďI gotta tell you something. Iíve never had sex. I was shitting you ícuz I was embarrassed about being a virgin.Ē Coming clean before your high school friends could expose you as a liar, but it should prevent your college friends from getting pissed off. Itís an entirely common, entirely understandable lieóitís one your college friends probably told before they lost their virginities (assuming that none of your college friends arenít also lying virgins). On the downside, youíre going to come in for some much deserved teasing for 1) being a virgin and 2) lying about not being virgin. Endure their teasing with grace and good humor. On the upside, your friends may decide to make it their personal missions, teen-sex-comedy style, to help you find a girlfriend and get that cherry popped already.

I am a single, straight girl. I am intelligent, blonde, I have a good figure. But ALL the guys Iíve been with lately have dumped me. Itís always after sex, and I know that Iím not bad in bed. My ex-boyfriend told me that I am intimidating in bed because of my sex drive. I was seeing a lawyer for a few weeks, he was great, acted interested, called every day, took me out, but after I slept with him he flaked out on our next date and stopped calling me. After the lawyer I met someone at a friendís birthday party. He was really intelligent and he seemed interested. We had sex after out third date and then the same thing happened: He flaked out on our next date, and stopped calling. I donít understand why people have to do this. It really hurts my feelings. How can I get men to stop treating me like this? Why are people so cold? Iím really pissed, how can I get even with these jerks for making me feel lame? Is there something wrong with me?

óLonely Girl

Wow, another depressing letter.

There are two possible explanations for your recent troubles with men: Explanation No. 1: You are intimidating in bed, just as your previous boyfriend claimed. When men say a woman is ďintimidating in bedĒ they usually mean sheís assertive about what she likes and lets them know what she expects. Some men prefer women who are more on the passive side, and itís entirely possible that you dated two men in a row who were turned off when you grabbed them by the hair and steered their faces down to your crotch and barked, ďLick that clit, boy, yeah. You heard me, boy, lick it.Ē

Explanation No. 2: Youíre really bad in bed. Bad-in-bed would explain why these two guys stopped calling immediately after you slept with them for the first time. You claim that youíre not bad in bed, but youíre probably not the best judge of your own sexual performance. The guys in the best position to know how good a lay you are donít appear to share your high opinion. I mean, theyíre not exactly clamoring for seconds, are they?

I have a 37-year-old male friend who, because of an evening of drinking, motorcycles and helmetlessness, now spends his evenings home alone with slurred speech, some traumatic brain damage, and one leg. He has not touched a woman since his accident. He is tired of porn and well beyond shame. He canít and wonít pay for it. Can you help me help him, Dan? Any woman interested in becoming his pen pal (or possibly more!) will be doing Godís work. Women wonít find commitment, control or infidelity issues with this guy. Could you at least share this letter with your readers, Dan?

óDisabled Dilemma

óP.S. Ideas? Volunteers? Feel free to contact me at

Wow, this is the most depressing letter of all.

OK, because your letter is the single most depressing piece of mail I have ever received, here it is in the column. I would hope, however, that the appearance of this letter doesnít fill your friend with false hopes. I doubt very much that many of my female readers will be clamoring to be pen pals (or possibly more!) with a one-legged, brain-damaged guy with slurred speech. Pity may prompt a few women to write, but the odds of your friend getting any pussy out of this are pretty slimóand this is about getting your friend some pussy, after all.

If I were a different sort of advice columnistókind, supportive, delusionalóI would offer you a few comforting lies and wrap up my comments with something like this: ďThereís a gal out there for every fella, and your friend just needs to keep his spirits up and keep looking!Ē Unfortunately thatís not always the case. Women (and men) who are willing to date/fuck/marry someone with brain damage, missing limbs and slurred speech are few and far between. As terrible as it sounds, your friendís getting-laid days may very well be over. That sounds awful, I realize, and itís hardly fair. ďPeople should look at the person on the inside,Ē you may be saying, ďand not focus on superficial things like brain damage, missing limbs and slurred speech.Ē To which I would respond, ďHow many one-legged, brain-damaged women with slurred speech did your friend date before he had his accident? How many have you dated?Ē

I think your friend should reconcile himself to being aloneónot because I know for a fact that he will be alone for the rest of his life, but because odds are better that he is going to be alone. Reconciling himself to being alone wonít preclude him from meeting someone someday, itíll just keep him from being miserable until he lucks out and meets someone, or until his life is over. The other thing he should reconcile himself to is paying for it. Men can and do establish actual relationships with escorts, relationships that, while still a business arrangement, are nevertheless grounded in real affection.

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