we are making love, my girlfriend begs me to say “sexy things”
to her. I have no clue as to what she means or what to say.
She tells me she’s turned on by “dirty” talk. Can you please
give me some examples of sexy things to say or where can I
get educated about what dirty things to say to a woman when
we’re making love?
in real danger here, LFW, and you need to proceed with extreme
caution. I have a file full of letters from men whose wives/girlfriends
asked them to “talk dirty to me” or, even worse, “tell me
your wildest fantasies.” Many of these men made the mistake
of doing what their girlfriends/wives asked. Generalizing
about 3 billion people on the one hand (men) and 3 billion
people on the other hand (women) is a dangerous business,
but a woman’s idea of “dirty” and or “wild” is often very
different from man’s. She’ll say, “Talk dirty to me,” and
he’ll say, “Suck my cock, you whore,” and she’ll freak out
because what she wanted to hear was, “I love your delicious
juices, honey.” She’ll say, “Tell me about your wildest fantasy,”
and he’ll say, “Piss on me,” and she’ll freak out because
what she wanted to hear was, “I want to lick whipped cream
off your nipples.” Yes, yes, yes: There are women out there
who want nothing more than to be called whores and
who love to piss on their boyfriends/husbands. But
they’re exceptions. So ladies, be warned: Men are kinkier
than women, so the things men fantasize about are often dark
and, if you’re game, hotter than hell. If you’re the type
of woman who isn’t kinky at all or who considers “Oh,
yeah, do me!” to be dirty talk, well, maybe you shouldn’t
ask your boyfriend/husband to talk dirty or share his wildest
fantasies. You might not like what you hear. And guys, be
warned: When she asks you to talk dirty or share your wildest
fantasies, don’t just blurt out “pegging” or “Get on your
knees, bitch” or, like one guy in the made-the-mistake-of-telling-the-truth
file, “I want you to tie me up, gag me with your dirty panties,
then piss all over me.” That may be your wildest fantasy,
but the fact that she asked doesn’t mean she’s ready to hear
it. While I think that people should share their fantasies
with each other—of course!—straight men need to take things
slowly, and reveal a little at a time, gauging the girlfriend’s/wife’s
reaction the whole time. Finally, LFW, the best advice for
a guy whose been asked to talk dirty or to reveal his wildest
fantasies is . . . turn the tables. Ask her to talk
dirty or, if she can’t do that, ask her to describe the sorts
of things she wants you to say. If she can’t even do that,
ask her to write them down. Whatever you do, don’t go down
the dirty-talk road without some directions from the girlfriend.
My husband and I have been married
just over three months—and together about a year and a half.
I really love him a lot, but he recently decided that he’s
bi-curious. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the company and
friendship of bi or homosexual guys. But when it comes to
my husband, I get extremely turned off, and damn near disgusted.
I don’t know what to do, because he wants to experiment, and
we have been talking about swinging, and things of that nature.
Bi Guy’s Bride
the bi guy. Seriously. I’m not suggesting that bisexual men
can’t be good husbands, SBGB. To the contrary: Bisexual guys
make fine husbands for adventurous straight women—especially
all you straight women out there who get off on watching two
guys together. But guys who know they’re bi (or bi-curious)
are obligated to tell their fiancés before the wedding.
The fact that this bi guy sprang the news on you so soon after
tells us two things: first, he knew he was bi before he married
you; second, he’s a dishonest and manipulative piece of shit.
(“I’ll tell her right after we get married . . . that way
it won’t be so easy for her to leave me!”). His deceitfulness
at the beginning of your marriage doesn’t fill me with hope
about its long-term prospects.
Your response to “Hot for Butt Lovin” was perfect. He wanted
to know how he could convince his girlfriend to “give up her
ass,” and you told him that he should give up his own ass
first. Bless you, Dan! Every time some testosterone-poisoned
dork puts the anal sex question/demand to me, I say “Okay,
but you first!” It shuts ’em up real fast. Wake up, guys!
If you avoid going to the doctor for checkups mainly because
you don’t want a finger up your ass, why do you assume that
we women want something even bigger up our asses?
—Right on Dan
for sharing, ROD. Jesus, straight men are such selfish pigs,
Dan, you recently missed a chance to set straight women
straight about the whole come-on-the-face thing. Let’s remember
that any time a man goes down on a woman he’s going
to end up with his face absolutely shellacked with woman’s
fluids (and probably a pubic hair or two lodged in his throat).
So where do women get off complaining about getting our juices
on their faces?
for sharing, ETS. Jesus, straight women are such selfish pigs,
Your advice to SADBOY, the pedophile college kid, was exactly
what he needed to hear. And as a man who has always felt a
sexual attraction to boys, it’s exactly what I would have
told him. I too thought about going into teaching, but realized
in time that it would be a big mistake. I eventually got some
counseling and learned that I wasn’t ever going to banish
these thoughts, no matter what, and it was my obligation to
make sure I didn’t get myself in trouble and/or mess up some
kid. I was in a satisfying relationship with another adult
. . . which is a must for SADBOY and any other man
with these thoughts. And I never—not once—put myself in a
position where I’d be around young adolescent boys to any
significant degree. I’m 50 years old now, and I still think
about boys. But I’ve kept it totally under control for all
these years and led a pretty damned good life. I hope SADBOY
can do the same.
There, Didn’t Do It
running SADBOY’s letter, people wrote in to say that what
SADBOY really needs is a lethal injection and not, as I suggested,
a therapist. But the ranters and ravers need to bear this
in mind: The overwhelming majority of pedophiles never, ever
act on their desires. Like BTDDI, most men and women with
a sexual attraction to kids—something they didn’t choose—struggle
mightily against their desires all their lives and never rape
a child. These praiseworthy pedophiles (that’s a new concept,
huh?) deserve our support, not lethal injections.
Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven
Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America (Dutton),
goes on sale Oct. 10. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org