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I
am a single parent with a wonderful 15-year-old son. My son’s
father, my ex, is a gay man. We’ve accepted this and we love
him dearly but there are issues affecting my son which my
ex is ignoring. My ex has also been diagnosed with HIV. This
was heartbreaking news for all of us. Now my ex has announced
that he’s undergoing hormonal treatments to become a woman.
He kept his therapy and the entire process a secret until
two weeks ago. My son is deeply disturbed by this and I don’t
know how to help him. Basically, he’s angry.
I’m not saying that my ex should put his life on hold for
us but he has blatantly disregarded how his choices affect
our son. Our son was told about his dad’s sexuality when he
was younger. But as he got older, he began to fully understand
the hatred, bigotry and ignorance in our society when it comes
to having a gay loved one. Unfortunately, his father has flaunted
his sexuality in inappropriate settings (school) and other
children noticed. I explained to my ex that I wasn’t asking
him to give up who he was, but to be more aware of how his
behavior affects our son’s life. Dan, what can I do? My ex
has hit us with one thing after another. My son is truly upset
at the prospect of having two moms. I don’t know how to make
my ex see that it’s not just about him.
—Heartsore
and Saddened
On
the one hand, HAS, I want to tell your son that it’s not his
father’s fault that some people are hateful and ignorant.
Your ex shouldn’t have to hide his sexuality at your son’s
school any more than my boyfriend and I hide our sexuality
at our son’s school. (We also don’t flaunt our sexuality—i.e.,
we don’t make out at parent-teacher conferences and we don’t
wear those hi-fucking-larious “Pitcher” and “Catcher” T-shirts
when we have his friends over for a play date.) It simply
isn’t fair of your son to hold the existence of anti-gay bigots
against his father, and I sincerely hope my son won’t hold
their existence against me. On the other hand. . . .
Divorced parents, gay dad, the HIV bombshell . . . and now
so suddenly a woman. That’s an awful lot for a high-school
age kid, especially a boy, to deal with. The tranny activists
are going to jump down my throat for this, but it seems to
me that your ex could’ve put off the sex change until after
his son was out of high school. One of the things parents
are supposed to do is make sacrifices, big and small, for
the sake of their children. And while I think people have
a right to do pretty much as they please (and parents are
people), I also believe that children have a right to some
stability and constancy from the adults in their lives. Perhaps
I’m a transphobic bigot, but I honestly think waiting a measly
36 months to cut your dick is a sacrifice any father should
be willing to make for his 15-year-old son. Call me old-fashioned.
Unfortunately, your ex wasn’t willing to make that sacrifice
(selfish tranny!) or it never occurred to him to make that
sacrifice (stupid tranny!). So what do you tell your son?
Tell him his father can do what he likes—suck dick, flaunt
it; get his dick cut off, flaunt that. If dear ol’ dad chooses
to live as a woman, well, there’s not a lot you or your son
can do. But guess what? Your son is old enough to do what
he likes and if he chooses to live without seeing or
speaking to his father, well, there’s not a whole lot his
father can do. If your son can’t deal with having his dad/mom/whatever
around right now, support your son and tell his dad/mom/whatever
to leave the two of you alone for the time being.
Don’t get me wrong, HAS: I hope in the long run that your
son eventually accepts his dad/mom/whatever and forgives his
dad/mom/whatever for being selfish and imperfect. When your
son is an adult, he’ll hopefully be able to forgive his dad/mom/whatever
for his selfish decision to run off and have a sex change
operation when his only son, like all teenagers, was struggling
with his own identity and didn’t need to struggle with his
father’s identity, too. Good luck.
From the tedious “Gor” fanatics in
Yahoo! chatrooms to the cynics in charge of alt.com, the Web
has been useless in helping to further my goal of finding
a nice, non-fucked-up yuppie dominatrix. It would be easier
for me to find a sadistic male Master, I think, if I were
gay. I am jealous of gay culture on this score, but bellyaching
serves no purpose. Will I ever find an abusive female partner?
Or are statistics working against me?
—Sadly
Undominated Bottom
Since
sexually dominant women are rare, SUB, finding one can be
difficult. So why not make one? Meet a nice, non-fucked-up,
yuppie woman and once you’ve determined that you like her,
let her know about your kinks. Don’t be creepy about it; most
sophisticated women, yuppie or otherwise, are aware that there
are kinky men out there. So no need to make a tearful confession,
SUB. Instead, initiate an upbeat, alcohol-fueled conversation
about her turn-ons, your turn-ons, her wildest experiences,
your wildest experiences, her ultimate fantasies, your ultimate
fantasies, etc. You might have to repeat this process with
two or three women before you meet one who is either willing
or aching to abuse you. Good luck.
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Every once in a while you print a
letter from a desperate reader who needs help pulling off
a hard-to-realize fantasy. I hope you’ll help a nice, normal
gay couple out. My boyfriend of five years wants to be ordered
around and, um, fucked completely senseless by a hot, muscular,
older, prematurely gray daddy type. (I’m not the daddy type
myself, sadly.) My boyfriend is 29, and has a beautiful face,
a hot body and the world’s greatest butt and . . . he wants
this daddy-type guy to be straight and/or married. I told
you this was a tall order.
We’ve seen lots of letters in your column from “mostly” straight
married guys who want some gay action on the side. If there’s
one out there reading this, we’d love to hear from him. We’ve
been monogamous up to this point, we’re HIV-negative, and
we’re looking for total discretion. (We don’t want our friends
to know about this any more than our ideal straight guy, if
he’s out there, wants his wife to know about it.) If a good-looking,
mostly straight, in-great-shape, gray-haired Savage Love fan
out there wants the occasional boy on the side, he should
drop us a note! For our sign-off, could you print our e-mail
address? Thanks, Dan!
daddyformyboyfriend@yahoo.com
P.S.
You’re probably wondering what’s in this for me. My boyfriend
will love me for making this happen and I would really get
off on watching.
Actually, daddyformyboyfriend@yahoo.com, I’m wondering what’s
in this for me. I guess it gets my good deed for calendar
year 2003 out of the way, but that’s about it. Anyway, you’re
welcome.
mail@savagelove.net
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