am a 15-year-old kid who lacks self-esteem, self-confidence
and just plain good looks. I’ve spent my entire life without
a kiss from a girl, and even spent a year thinking I was in
love with my sister. My right hand is in extreme pain from
the amount of whacking I do, and I’m looking for some advice
on how to get off my ass and go get that girl. The thing is,
girls just don’t seem to want me. I even have a hard time
talking to girls. Can I get some advice?
In Need Of Sex
nothing remarkable about being 15, horny and hard-up, BINOS.
And don’t be such a whiner. You haven’t gone 15 years without
a kiss from a girl. Before you hit puberty you probably weren’t
even that interested in girls—so at most you’ve gone without
for three years, not 15. If you can stop wallowing in self-pity,
you’ll have an easier time keeping your problem in perspective.
Here’s a few more perspectives you may or may not find comforting:
That crush on your sister? That sometimes happens to straight
boys. You hit puberty, your sister hits puberty, and suddenly
she’s a strange new animal, barely recognizable, and soon
you’re thinking some mighty discomforting thoughts. But then
the ol’ reliable incest taboo starts whispering in your ear—“She’s
your fucking sister, you fucking pervert!”—and
you snap out of it. If you didn’t get your sister pregnant
or wind up with a creepy incest fetish, BINOS, you got through
On to your real heartache: Girls don’t want you. That hurts.
I remember what it was like when I was 15 years old and I
wanted boys and boys didn’t want me. It sucks. But the sad
fact is that most 15-year-old boys are repulsive—that is,
most 15-year-old boys are awkward, half-formed works-in-progress.
I certainly was at 15. The fact that girls mature physically
more quickly than boys just compounds your misery; most girls
your age already look like young women and most are attracted
to boys who look like young men, and there you are, aching
for that first kiss but still looking like a short, hairless
chimp that no girl will give a second look.
But take heart, BINOS, because your awkward/repulsive stage
will pass—just like that crush on your sister. While you can’t
hurry the process along, you can prepare. Here’s how: Worry
less about getting your 15-year-old self laid and start thinking
about getting your 18- or 20-year-old self laid. Join a gym
and build yourself a body that girls will find irresistible;
read a lot so that you’ll have something to say to the girls
you do attract; and get out of the house and do shit—political
shit, social shit, low-stakes shit—so that you’ll meet different
kinds of girls in different kinds of settings and you’ll get
comfortable talking to them.
More assignments: Get a decent haircut and use deodorant and
floss your teeth and take regular showers and wear clean clothes.
Go online and learn about birth control, STDs and learn enough
about the clitoris that you’ll be able to find them in the
dark. I also recommend that you masturbate in moderation—no
more than 10 times a day—and that you vary your routine. I
can’t emphasize this last point enough. A vagina does not
feel exactly like a clenched fist, BINOS, nor does a mouth,
an anus, tit-fuckin, or humping. If you don’t want to be sending
me another pathetic letter in a few years, you’ll vary your
routine now so that you’ll be able to respond to different
kinds, levels and intensities of sexual stimulation once you
do become sexually active. Good luck, kiddo.
Just read your column devoted to
people in sexless relationships. But there was one thing you
didn’t cover: being in a sexless relationship while raising
kids. My wife and I had two kids right off the bat. She doubled
her weight and got depressed. That was eight years ago and
we’ve probably had sex a dozen times since. I’ve kept myself
in shape, but she has no interest. And of course she has not
tried to keep herself in shape, so I don’t find her attractive.
Getting divorced because I’m not getting any seems selfish,
as the kids are innocent in this mess.
She won’t let me mess around—I’ve asked. I go back and forth
between wanting to find a fuckbuddy on the side and telling
myself “too bad” for 10 more years. I’d prefer that my wife
drop half her weight and take the stick out of her ass. But
I can’t force her to do those things. Any advice?
Least I’m Fucked One Way
you’re staying together for the kids—which I support—then
do what you need to do to keep yourself sane enough to be
a good father and a respectful, pleasant partner in the shared
business of child-raising. And while you do what you need
to do, you should let her think what she needs to think so
that she can be a sane mother and a good partner in the kid
biz. Just don’t get caught.
After reading your column last week,
I started thinking that I’m a really nice girlfriend. I don’t
get mad when my boyfriend jerks off or looks at porn. But
I’ve gotten progressively more jealous about his online activities.
Can you tell me where, if anywhere, in this progression of
events my boyfriend crossed the line? 1. Posting naked photos
of himself on a Web site. 2. Exchanging explicit e-mails and
photos with women. 3. Chatting with women for hours on end,
including exchanging photos and viewing Web cams. 4. Receiving
a phone call from a woman he chatted with. I think I’m being
too nice, and he thinks I’m being jealous and paranoid. What
do you think, sexual guru?
Please, Will You Print My Letter?
all for understanding, indulgent girlfriends (and boyfriends)
who allow their men to be men—i.e., allow their men to check
out other people (even if they’re only sleeping with you)—to
jerk off without guilt or drama (because they’re going to
anyway); and to “consume” pornography (because that can help
a guy keep his natural, hard-wired, must-fuck-other-people
urges under control). However, PPWYPML, there’s a point at
which being understanding and indulgent crosses the line and
you’re just being a doormat and a fool. You do sound nice—too
nice—but your boyfriend sounds like an asshole and he clearly
doesn’t deserve you. He’s cheating on you or about to, rubbing
your nose in it, and then accusing you of being jealous and
paranoid when you object. Dump him already.
Just a quick note to Bore Boy. If
he wants to have sex with a bored woman, all he has to do
is get married. Speaking from my experience and my friends’
experiences, a wife is bored nine times out of 10 at the idea
of sleeping with their husband, especially after the first
couple of kids. So Bore Boy, get hitched and be fruitful,
and I personally guarantee all your fantasies will come true.
for sharing, BTO.