weeks ago, I responded to a letter from Fifteen and Gay, a
closeted gay high-school sophomore who longed to be “some
dude’s sex slave.” FAG met a 38-year-old “really nice guy”
on the Internet who offered to pick him up from school, take
him back to his house, and make FAG his sex slave. I advised
FAG not to go this man’s house, for all the obvious safety
reasons. I also invited readers to weigh in on two issues:
How can young kinky folks tell good kinky people from bad
kinky people? And should FAG report the “really nice” 38-year-old
to the cops?
I would need every page in this paper to print even a small
chunk of the advice that poured in for FAG. Here’s a sample:
to tell the difference between a good and a bad kinky person?
I would guess that a good kinky person would tell FAG, “Call
me when you’re 18, kiddo,” and a bad kinky person would say,
“Sure, I’ll pick you up after school.”
am a kinky woman who is active in the BDSM community. Here’s
my advice to someone who is young and kinky: First and foremost,
learn all you can. I recommend reading “how-to” articles as
opposed to looking at kinky porn. He should also go to an
internet café or Kinko’s to do his research: If his parents
find his stash of kinky information or porn, they could have
him committed for psychiatric help. It does happen. Finally,
FAG should report the 38-year-old to the police. The man is
a predator—he needs to be stopped. If FAG really wants to
be a sex slave, he’ll have a lifetime to pursue that in a
safe way after he’s 18. My first BDSM-type thoughts came at
around age 8, when I drew naked people hanging from chains.
I survived the wait, FAG, and you can too.
am a gay leather daddy and I’m very concerned about FAG. Any
BDSM player of any repute takes pride in playing safe, sane,
and consensual. A 15-year-old lacks the capacity to consent.
When FAG is mature enough to obtain condoms and insist that
his partners use them, he will be old enough to have sex as
a bottom, and old enough to consent to being dominated. FAG
would also do well to think about attending a university in
a metropolitan area with a large gay community. If not college-bound,
upon graduation from high school, moving to such a metropolitan
area would help make it easier for him to find kinky boys
his own age.
Daddy in Sacramento, Mike
to tell the good kinky people from the bad? At the very least,
a “good” kinky person will:
1. Talk to you, maybe, but never meet you for sex if you’re
2. Never suggest a first meeting anywhere other than a public
3. Insist you tell a friend where you’re going. The “good”
kinky person will also give you pertinent and confirmable
information—full name, address, telephone number—to pass on
to said friend.
4. Have clear and specific discussions with you, re: contemplated
activities; limitations; how to effectively communicate “Stop!”;
levels of experience.
5. Perhaps suggest you read any of the number of non-fiction
books on the subject of kink, and. . . .
6. Not turn up at the local I-HOP dressed head-to-toe in leather
and carrying three floggers on his/her belt. Those who can’t
grasp the concept of “boundaries” and “inappropriate behavior”
in public won’t be able to do it in private, either. Anyone
immature enough to still be into “freaking the mundanes” isn’t
mature enough to tie you up.
for sharing, HOP, MS, BDSM, and KW. Since I would hate for
all the other great letters I got for FAG to go to waste,
I’ve posted them at www.thestranger.com/specials/fagadvice.
The single best letter for FAG—from a gay guy in his 20s who
signed himself Bottom Dude Seeking Marriage—couldn’t run in
the column because it was longer than my entire column. Check
it out, FAG.
OK, now: Should FAG go to the cops? The overwhelming majority
of the e-mails I got went something like this: “Of course
FAG should go to the cops! Christ almighty, Dan!” Some felt
that FAG had a duty to go to the cops before “this freak finds
some other kid to brutalize and rape.” Some felt I should
go to the cops. Sorry, folks. All I know about this freak
is that he’s 38 years old, gay, and lives somewhere in the
United States or Canada. The police have enough on their hands
at the moment without having to round up all the 38-year-old
gay men in North America for questioning.
And there are other reasons why FAG might not want to call
the cops. . . .
Going to the cops, as numerous readers pointed out, means
that FAG will be outed to his family not only as gay but also
as kinky, and if the newspapers pick up on it or if there’s
a trial, FAG will be outed to everyone on earth. A handful
of readers wrote in to point out that 15 is legal in one U.S.
state and all of Canada—and there are states where it’s illegal
for 38-year-old men to have vanilla sex with other 38-year-old
men, so is “legal” the best way of judging the morality of
the situation? Some readers wrote in about a recent story
in The New York Times about police officers who pretend
to be teenagers online and arrest people who try to pick them
up. “It has the whiff of ‘pre-crime’ about it, a la Minority
Report,” said one reader. “Isn’t it possible that, a la
American Beauty, the 38-year-old might have a change
of heart, pat FAG on the head, and send him on his way?” But
it’s not just illegal to fuck a minor, folks. It’s illegal
to make a date with a minor to fuck him.
It’s complicated—and the more I think about it, the more complicated
it gets. For instance, like a lot of people, I was sexually
active at 15. The guy I messed around with at 15 was 22 years
old and, technically, he was raping me. I wasn’t the dude’s
sex slave—not that I would’ve minded—but I was his everything
else. And I would’ve cut out my own tongue before I said anything
to the cops that would’ve sent him to prison. So while I don’t
trust this 38-year-old (which is why I told FAG to stay the
hell away from him), and while I think the odds are better
that he’s scum—or a “predatory monster masquerading as a human
being,” as one reader put it—I can’t quite bring myself to
tell FAG to call the cops. But I’m in the minority, FAG. If
you wanna call the cops, a lot of Savage Love readers are
behind you. For your own safety and sanity, however, I would
advise you to use a pay phone and make an anonymous tip.