|
I
know this isn’t a sexy or even remotely enjoyable subject,
but I could really use your advice. I’m an 18-year-old girl,
though I can easily pass for 25. I’m pretty attractive (though
I think everyone has things about them they would change),
thin, and altogether relatively normal, although I graduated
high school early. As a result, I have plenty of opportunities
to go out with guys. My problem is this: Although I’m not
in any rush to lose my virginity, I can’t even bring myself
to take my clothes off in front of other people because of
the long, self-inflicted, crisscrossed scars that cover parts
of my legs. Yeah, I know: I should see a therapist. Well,
I’m already in therapy and have been since I was 12. I’m not
crazy and I’ve been making great progress.
Because I was only around five when I started cutting myself,
I never thought about what it would be like when it came time
to take my clothes off in front of anyone. Over time, these
scars have become incredibly difficult for me to hide, and
the few times I’ve tried to explain them to people, I’ve been
met with less than understanding words. Given my young age,
my family situation (which is a whole other story and probably
propelled my cutting), and my terror at the thought of people
seeing my legs, I’m incredibly scared of what could happen
when I finally show someone.
—Sometimes
Looks and Speech Hurt
So
let’s say you show someone, SLASH—what’s the worst that could
happen? The guy will freak out, toss around some less than
understanding words, and leave. But the guy who freaks and
splits is doing you a favor. You wouldn’t want to be with
someone who couldn’t handle it or would react so cruelly anyway,
right? More important, only by risking telling/showing people
are you ever going to learn that most straight guys are decent
and any straight guy that likes you will be a great, big,
understanding doll about your scars, SLASH.
And I do think most guys will be understanding about it. People
have a way of forgiving and/or overlooking imperfections in
people they’re attracted to. Also, part of dating and mating
is making yourself vulnerable to another human being, putting
your trust in them, and showing them your literal and figurative
scars. Any guy you show and tell will want some reassurance
that you’re not cutting yourself anymore, you’ve gotten some
help, you’re not made of glass, and that you’re looking for
a boyfriend, not a therapist. You can provide all that.
You say that you’ve been “met with less than understanding
words” the few times you’ve tried to explain your scars. I
would hope that you’re healthy enough now to make a distinction
between truly hurtful words—i.e., malicious comments—and words
that are hurtful simply because the person you’ve told is
ignorant. Take it from a fag who had to come out to friends
and family who were ignorant about homosexuality: You can
collapse into tears when someone you’ve just come out to about
your scars says something ignorant or you can take a deep
breath and seize the opportunity to educate someone. But if
someone does say something hurtful out of malice, well, then
you should take a deep breath and deck the motherfucker.
And finally, SLASH, you never know when you might run across
a scar fetishist. . . .
Please
tell Stripes, the woman with stretch marks who’s looking for
someone with a stretch-mark fetish, that we actually do exist.
I’m afraid that I’m happily married, but if I’m into stretch
marks, someone else out there must be. I’m also into other
minor scarring, as well.
As for Stripes taking care of her kid before running off with
a stretch-mark fetishist, at six months her kid might be just
starting to really sleep through the night. And, after six
months of being a mom, she’s probably ready to indulge in
something for herself. All parents can use an outlet, and
sex is a fine one in my book.
—Stripes
Thrill Me
Thanks
for sharing, STM.
I’m a mostly hetero male who’s recently been hit upon by
a gay male and I don’t know how to respond. My problem is
that while I am attracted to some men, I love pussy and will
eat it at any opportunity. But tonight I was hit upon by a
cute male bartender and I don’t know if I should go back and
see him. I really don’t want to lead him on, but I am curious.
I don’t want to bang a stranger, but I also don’t want to
lead anyone on. He’s attractive, but I really don’t want to
get involved without knowing how to present myself without
my hetero side showing through.
—Confused
in Quebec
The
man who hit on you is a bartender, CIQ. A bartender! While
I don’t mean to traffic in hateful bartender stereotypes,
odds are good that this guy just wants to get all up in your
ass crack, kiddo, not run off to Boston with you for a big,
gay wedding. My advice: You can get to know him as a person,
if you like, but he’s probably not interested in you as a
person. If you want to give gay sex a whirl, tell him you’re
curious but not homosexual, experienced, or interested in
anything long-term. Based on the gay bartenders I’ve known
over the years, it’s highly likely this guy will be more attracted
to you with your hetero side showing through, CIQ, not less.
 |
Dan, I read your advice to Dirty Old Man about the age
of consent, should he feel the need to have sex with one of
his 16- or 17-year-old coworkers. While you were right about
the teacher/coach thing, you neglected to mention another
important branch to the 16 rule: In most states the age of
16 as the age of consent is accompanied by a “no more than
four years older” clause, meaning that the 16-year-old can’t
have sex with anyone older than, say, 20. I’m not trying to
be a party crasher, Dan, I’m just looking to keep DOM out
of trouble.
—Future
Lawyer of America
In
the state where DOM lives there isn’t a “no more than four
years older” clause. But I’m glad you brought up DOM’s letter,
FLOA, as I should have given greater emphasis to the fact
that I was talking to DOM about the laws in his state
(which he asked me not to reveal), not the laws in all
states. People should look into their own state’s laws
before having sex with anyone under the age of 18. A good
place to start is www.ageofconsent.com.
And while we’re on the subject of last week’s column: I mentioned
a story about a religious couple who didn’t know they had
to have sex in order to get pregnant. It turns out the story
is a hoax. Or as one reader put it, “Congrats on being the
latest fucking retard sucked in by the infertile German couple
urban legend. You’re in good company, Savage, right up there
with Fox News!” For a full rundown on just how freakin’ stupid
I am, go to www.snopes.com/pregnant/nosex.asp.
mail@savagelove.net
|
Columns
& Opinions
