know this isnít a sexy or even remotely enjoyable subject,
but I could really use your advice. Iím an 18-year-old girl,
though I can easily pass for 25. Iím pretty attractive (though
I think everyone has things about them they would change),
thin, and altogether relatively normal, although I graduated
high school early. As a result, I have plenty of opportunities
to go out with guys. My problem is this: Although Iím not
in any rush to lose my virginity, I canít even bring myself
to take my clothes off in front of other people because of
the long, self-inflicted, crisscrossed scars that cover parts
of my legs. Yeah, I know: I should see a therapist. Well,
Iím already in therapy and have been since I was 12. Iím not
crazy and Iíve been making great progress.
Because I was only around five when I started cutting myself,
I never thought about what it would be like when it came time
to take my clothes off in front of anyone. Over time, these
scars have become incredibly difficult for me to hide, and
the few times Iíve tried to explain them to people, Iíve been
met with less than understanding words. Given my young age,
my family situation (which is a whole other story and probably
propelled my cutting), and my terror at the thought of people
seeing my legs, Iím incredibly scared of what could happen
when I finally show someone.
Looks and Speech Hurt
letís say you show someone, SLASHówhatís the worst that could
happen? The guy will freak out, toss around some less than
understanding words, and leave. But the guy who freaks and
splits is doing you a favor. You wouldnít want to be with
someone who couldnít handle it or would react so cruelly anyway,
right? More important, only by risking telling/showing people
are you ever going to learn that most straight guys are decent
and any straight guy that likes you will be a great, big,
understanding doll about your scars, SLASH.
And I do think most guys will be understanding about it. People
have a way of forgiving and/or overlooking imperfections in
people theyíre attracted to. Also, part of dating and mating
is making yourself vulnerable to another human being, putting
your trust in them, and showing them your literal and figurative
scars. Any guy you show and tell will want some reassurance
that youíre not cutting yourself anymore, youíve gotten some
help, youíre not made of glass, and that youíre looking for
a boyfriend, not a therapist. You can provide all that.
You say that youíve been ďmet with less than understanding
wordsĒ the few times youíve tried to explain your scars. I
would hope that youíre healthy enough now to make a distinction
between truly hurtful wordsói.e., malicious commentsóand words
that are hurtful simply because the person youíve told is
ignorant. Take it from a fag who had to come out to friends
and family who were ignorant about homosexuality: You can
collapse into tears when someone youíve just come out to about
your scars says something ignorant or you can take a deep
breath and seize the opportunity to educate someone. But if
someone does say something hurtful out of malice, well, then
you should take a deep breath and deck the motherfucker.
And finally, SLASH, you never know when you might run across
a scar fetishist. . . .
tell Stripes, the woman with stretch marks whoís looking for
someone with a stretch-mark fetish, that we actually do exist.
Iím afraid that Iím happily married, but if Iím into stretch
marks, someone else out there must be. Iím also into other
minor scarring, as well.
As for Stripes taking care of her kid before running off with
a stretch-mark fetishist, at six months her kid might be just
starting to really sleep through the night. And, after six
months of being a mom, sheís probably ready to indulge in
something for herself. All parents can use an outlet, and
sex is a fine one in my book.
for sharing, STM.
Iím a mostly hetero male whoís recently been hit upon by
a gay male and I donít know how to respond. My problem is
that while I am attracted to some men, I love pussy and will
eat it at any opportunity. But tonight I was hit upon by a
cute male bartender and I donít know if I should go back and
see him. I really donít want to lead him on, but I am curious.
I donít want to bang a stranger, but I also donít want to
lead anyone on. Heís attractive, but I really donít want to
get involved without knowing how to present myself without
my hetero side showing through.
man who hit on you is a bartender, CIQ. A bartender! While
I donít mean to traffic in hateful bartender stereotypes,
odds are good that this guy just wants to get all up in your
ass crack, kiddo, not run off to Boston with you for a big,
gay wedding. My advice: You can get to know him as a person,
if you like, but heís probably not interested in you as a
person. If you want to give gay sex a whirl, tell him youíre
curious but not homosexual, experienced, or interested in
anything long-term. Based on the gay bartenders Iíve known
over the years, itís highly likely this guy will be more attracted
to you with your hetero side showing through, CIQ, not less.
Dan, I read your advice to Dirty Old Man about the age
of consent, should he feel the need to have sex with one of
his 16- or 17-year-old coworkers. While you were right about
the teacher/coach thing, you neglected to mention another
important branch to the 16 rule: In most states the age of
16 as the age of consent is accompanied by a ďno more than
four years olderĒ clause, meaning that the 16-year-old canít
have sex with anyone older than, say, 20. Iím not trying to
be a party crasher, Dan, Iím just looking to keep DOM out
Lawyer of America
the state where DOM lives there isnít a ďno more than four
years olderĒ clause. But Iím glad you brought up DOMís letter,
FLOA, as I should have given greater emphasis to the fact
that I was talking to DOM about the laws in his state
(which he asked me not to reveal), not the laws in all
states. People should look into their own stateís laws
before having sex with anyone under the age of 18. A good
place to start is www.ageofconsent.com.
And while weíre on the subject of last weekís column: I mentioned
a story about a religious couple who didnít know they had
to have sex in order to get pregnant. It turns out the story
is a hoax. Or as one reader put it, ďCongrats on being the
latest fucking retard sucked in by the infertile German couple
urban legend. Youíre in good company, Savage, right up there
with Fox News!Ē For a full rundown on just how freakiní stupid
I am, go to www.snopes.com/pregnant/nosex.asp.